Welcome back, idiot hookers.
It’s been almost a year to the day since the first season of Scream Queens premiered, and not one has gone by that hasn’t felt just a little bit off without a scathing Chanel insult, or, you know, not sleeping with every light in the house on.
Thank God that’s over.
Returning for season two with “Scream Again,” we reopen a world of babies, costumed serial killers and Queen of Horror Jamie Lee Curtis. A moment of silence for the episodes were about to endure that will not contain Nick Jonas.
Because Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuck love to ruin lives while being masters of the televised arts, this episode opened to a raging Halloween party in 1985. I’m sensing a theme here. The party is at a hospital, which is fine if you’re into dying and murder. A hysterical woman calls for Dr. Mike, who is “looking for quaaludes in the back” dressed in shiny green demon costume aka “The Green Meanie.” This sounds like a Sesame Street character, but the mask is much more menacing, so I’ll keep my insults to myself.
I think we all know where this goes.
But just in case you don’t, Dr. Mike (played by Jerry O’Connell who I admittedly referred to in my notes as “that guy who looks like David Duchovny but not quite”) offers to help said woman’s husband who is suffering from fluid-filled lungs. The woman is, of course, pregnant. Say it with me folks, MORE. EVIL. BABIES.
Dr. Mike and his indifferent associate instead dope the husband up on sedatives and dump him into an obviously contaminated swamp so they may continue the party. He throws his costume on top of said soon-to-be-dead man. I’ll take bets now on how dead he ends up not being.
Fastforward to 2016, and Dean Munsch rules the world. The world, in this case, is a new hospital called C.U.R.E., which will serve the purpose of doing just that. Hired on to fill the hole Nick Jonas has left in my Boone-shaped heart, we have Taylor Lautner as Dr. Cassidy Cascade and John Stamos as Dr. Brock Holt. Smize alert. Holt, who received the first successful hand transplant after a freak accident with a garbage disposal during Super Bowl XLIX, will be someone to watch out for. Cascade has a “really cold body temperature” which also might be notable or maybe just a stupid dig at some movie nobody has ever seen. We also meet an energetic candy stripper, Chamberlin Jackson, who I’m sure we’ll learn more about later.
Their first case is none other than Saturday Night Live genius Cecily Strong, who’s got a case of the werewolves. *Insert another stupid Twilight joke here.* Werewolf syndrome, or hypertrichosis, has left poor Mary covered in hair from head to toe. A usually incurable case, Munsch takes this on as the first case for the hospital.
Needing more help, Munsch decides to hire on Zayday, who recently entered medical school. She enters the team hoping to find a cure in one week for sweet Mary. However, she requests some more lady help. Bring in the Chanels, exonerated after Denise got Hester to confess on camera that she was guilty (double jeopardy does not work if you haven’t already been tried for something once, kids) and famous after a Netflix docu-series.
Anyways a few scenes later, the Chanels are initiated into the hospital and John Stamos is naked in a shower (with a very interesting tattoo of an “H” in a crest), and everything got fuzzy after that.
Just kidding, I’m more of a Chad Radwell girl.
The Chanels’ jobs are to “ghost” or follow around the doctors and say nothing. The term ghosting is a complicated one, but you can Urban Dictionary that one for yourself.
Back to the werewolf case, Zayday hopes drilling into a specific part of the brain will stop Mary’s body from producing so much hair. This, children, is a lobotomy and is not advisable. The Chanels call Mary a sasquatch, among other sensitive things, and get put on probation.
ENTER KIRSTIE ALLEY.
This is exciting because Kirstie Alley is amazing, and sad because I spent 24 years thinking her name was Kristie. Alley plays Nurse Ingrid, head of administration. She is the new and improved Nurse Ratched, running a tight ship that will consist of her hating Chanel and probably more murder.
After a long first day of work, Chanel decides that probation will not fly and decides they need to get back into Munsch’s good graces. How will she get her own medical show on “how to swallow a tape worm” if she doesn’t? In a weird minute of what seems like Dr. Holt struggling to both flirt and not choke her (hello Thing from The Addams Family), Chanel helps him discover a new solution for Mary.
Mid-surgery prep, Chanel and Holt offer the idea of balancing Mary’s hormones by lessening the testosterone in her diet. It works really well because she ends up looking like a “large baby.” The Chanels, now donning what are probably past porno nurse costumes, give her the full makeover, and Munsch is happy once again.
To celebrate their success, Chanel plans a date night with Holt while Number 3 goes for Cascade. Number 5 is stuck on the graveyard shift, helping Mary bathe her flaky skin in the basement.
The weird thing about baths is that in hospitals they lock now I guess. I’m not sure what type of treatment involves locking tubs, but I imagine that it’s not used frequently these days. Number 5 and Mary get locked in their tubs because Number 5 is worthless, and now they’ve got company. Green Meanie, with the accompaniment of “Be My Baby” by The Ronettes (retro music theme continues even though it’s super weird they have a record player in the hospital basement), beheads Mary and goes for a slice at Number 5. Will I be mad if she’s offed? It’s debatable.
Tune in the rest of the season for murder, Chanel in a wedding dress, a suspicious swamp and naked Chad Radwell. It’s going to get weird.