Game of Thrones recap: ‘No One’

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Welcome to Week 8, kiddos! Our latest episode, “No One,” is obviously going to be about Arya because not a single person could possibly believe she died. We’re better conditioned than that now. Let’s get weird.

We open to the play in Braavos, and we see Lady Crane giving a rousing speech as Cersei Lannister over her dead son’s body. Is this symbolism for future Cersei? For Arya? Who knows!

As the actress walks back behind the stage to drink her rum because what else are you supposed to do when you have to think about Cersei every day, she hears a rustling behind some curtains and finds injured Arya. Lady Crane takes her home, fixes her up and gives her milk of the poppy because Arya is apparently fine with strangers even though she’s being chased by SOMEONE WHO CAN CHANGE FACES.

It’s fine.

In a forest, the stupid men who killed The Hound’s friends are being stupid. The Hound takes no caution and literally marches up and beheads them and cuts out their entrails like he’s maybe getting some firewood. Absolutely incredible. Ten points to House Clegane.

In Meereen, the Red Woman was doing her preaching job, and it seems to be working. Varys is planning a secret expedition to Westeros, which means he’s probably going to do something stupid. Never trust a man who gives candy to children for secrets, OK?

In the Red Keep, Qyburn is like, “yo girl, the Faith are being so extra, and your son is a little shit.” Lancel and his faith homies are trying to remove Cersei from the castle before her trial, but Cersei will have none of it. What she will have is one choke-slammed and beheaded Sparrow brought to you by our good friend Franken-Clegane.

At Riverrun, Brienne and Podrick have arrived and are ready to party. Bronn and Pod have a special moment because remember when Tyrion was still allowed in Westeros? Brienne and Jaime reunite, and it’s beautiful. She offers him his sword back, but he’s like, “Babe, it was a gift” and “let’s not fight … seriously, you’ll kill me.”

The Blackfish is totally not into Brienne’s plan to help Sansa, and everyone else is just like “ugh.”

Back at the Red Keep, everyone is gathered in the throne room, but Cersei is not allowed to stand by her son because she’s gross, you know? Tommen, who is clearly mentally unstable and knows nothing of church vs. state, announces that Loras and Cersei will have their trials in the Sept on the first day of the Festival of the Mother. Also, no trial by combats. SURPRISE!

Tommen is savage AF.

But it doesn’t matter because Qyburn found the wildfire, and now Cersei is going to become the Mad Queen and probably murder her own son. Say it with me folks: CONSPIRACY THEORIES!

Back to Meereen, Tyrion has a nice funny moment with Missandei and Grey Worm only to be interrupted by a massive fleet of ships ready for war. So awkward. Dany makes it back with Drogon and maybe other dragons, though, so it’ll be … OK?

At Riverrun, Jaime is a huge dick to Edmure and talks his ears off about how he will not lose this castle or anything. It is intense, and it works because then Edmure forces his soldiers to let him and give the Blackfish to the Freys. Brienne tries to get the Blackfish to escape, but he’s over it, and he dies fighting.

Back to the Hound. As he looks for the rest of the men he wants to kill, he runs into Beric & Co., who of course have said men in nooses. Beric will let him hang two of them, but not axe them, which is soooooo boring. However, Beric does say “join our boy band,” and it seems as if the Hound may accept.

*Whispers to self “but where is Lady Stoneheart?”*

Ending the show, we return to Arya. She’s still asleep, and Lady Crane goes to another room to retrieve a small bottle of God knows what from above a cabinet when she’s interrupted by *someone* at the door. Arya wakes up to a clash, and finds the Waif standing near Lady Crane’s fallen body. The Waif is like “lol your turn.”

Arya jumps out the window, runs carelessly through the street, literally knocks over every piece of vendor fruit and begins to bleed from her wounds again. Syrio is somewhere like “I did not train her. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Arya runs into a long dark hallway where, OH SNAP, she’s hidden her sword. She slashes the top off a candle, the only thing lighting the place, and then it’s go time, and then GUESS WHOSE FACE ENDS UP IN THE HOUSE OF BLACK AND WHITE.

Can’t wait to see you never again, Waif.

Jaqen H’ghar is like, “took you long enough, No One” but Arya is like, “I’m Arya now. Get it right,” and she mic drops her way back to Westeros. Give me Stark reunions, or give me no more Game of Thrones!

Next week: WE GOT BASTARDS. GOOD BASTARDS. BAD BASTARDS. FIGHTING BASTARDS.

Jon Snow and Ramsey “I’m the worst human ever” Bolton face off for Winterfell. Jon wants to stay dead if he dies. Davos looks worried. The numbers are looking no- great. Someone will definitely die. Hooray!

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