Game of Thrones review: The Broken Man

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Hi, hello and welcome to Week 7 of torture!!! This episode, “The Broken Man,” is brought to you by my screams.

We open on a nice, happy (lol) grassy field of workers putting together a building from lumber. Seems pretty casual. You know what else is casual the reintroduction of NON-DEAD SANDOR “THE HOUND” CLEGANE IN THE COLD OPEN.

Sandy is hanging out with whom book readers will assume is the Elder Brother, a healer who saves him from impending death. Said brother is like “I can’t believe you’re alive and also that a woman did this to you,” but joke’s on you bro because women run this game. Sandy is like “you don’t know my life,” but bruh assures the Hound he is alive for a reason. #CLEGANESHOWDOWN #WOOFWOOF

At the Red Keep, the High Sparrow tells Queen Marg (who is SLAYING in her crown) that Grandma is low key about to get jumped and that she needs to sleep with her husband. This is a lot to take in, and super out of line for a priest, tbh. Marg and the Septa go to talk to G-ma, and Marg has to middle school-style pass her a note like “cough cough they will kill you get out OK.”

Jon and Sansa, in other places doing sibling stuff, are preparing to retake Winterfell. The Wildings are like “why are we even,” and Tormund is like “because I said so,” and what he says goes because look at him. Also they’d all be dead without Jon.

Back to the Red Keep, Cersei apologizes (you read that right, kids) for basically ruining everything, but the Queen of Thorns doesn’t care and GOES IN. Summary: “You’ve lost, and it’s the only joy I can find in all this misery.” Mic DROP.

At Riverrun, Jaime arrives with Bronn to negotiate/fight the Blackfish. Jaime wants Bronn to be the Robin to his Batman, which is nice, but will Jaime ever be as funny as Tyrion? Probably not.

The Freys, who collectively have maybe five brain cells, are in the field threatening to hang or slice the throat of Edmure unless the Blackfish gives up the castle. This does not go well for the Freys, and Jaime arrives to do smart things.

On Bear Island, AKA the home of the Mormonts Jorah and former Lord Commander, Lyanna, who is both 10 and now in charge, after much consideration and beautiful speech from Ser Davos, agrees to remain allies with the Starks. She will send 62 soldiers, which is not a lot, but I guess better than 61.

Back again to Riverrun, Jaime has a face-to-face convo with the Blackfish, and it looks like were going to have an ol’ fisticuffs. The Blackfish is having none of this nonsense, and now it’s time for war. What a shocking development!

Back to Sansa and Jon and Davos, the trio looks to the Glovers for support. Lord Glover, who regained his castle from the Greyjoys with the help of the Boltons, says “hard pass sry not sry.”

In a brothel far far away, Theon and Yara are awkward. Yara is over Theon’s sadface and has clearly never taken a mental health or D.A.R.E. class. She makes him drink an entire ale and then literally says “help me or kill yourself.” #TeamNoGreyjoys2kForever

One more time back to Jon and Sansa. They decide that they will inevitably have to head to Winterfell with small numbers. Sansa disagrees because the only thing Sansa actually knows how to do is sew. She then lowkey writes a letter to send by raven, and I bet you dollars that this is where George R.R. Martin told the producers, “and in the next scene, Ramsey or some other shithead will intercept the bird and kill everyone.” Thanks a lot, Sansa.

Back to the nice field where things seem nice but probably won’t be nice for long, the Elder Brother addresses his people about how you can reform from the past even though it haunts you. They are approached by followers of the Lord of Light and threatened. It’s awkward.

We finally turn to Arya, who has booked passage back to Westeros for the following morning because apparently she can make it rain. But what Arya does not know is that the Waif is hunting her and SURPRISE AN OLD WOMAN STABS HER RIGHT IN THE STOMACH TWICE BECAUSE SURPRISE THE OLD WOMAN IS THE WAIF BECAUSE SHE CAN STEAL FACES AND I HATE THIS SHOW. I WILL NOT LOSE ANOTHER STARK. I WILL NOT.

Arya falls into the river (?) and then walks through the streets bleeding and suffering and WHO CAN SHE TRUST NOW.

We end our lovely program with the Hound chopping up some wood because he’s got a lot of emotion to get out. But then! He hears screaming because I told you this field would not stay nice, you guys. He walks back to the main part of their work site to find everyone slaughtered and the Elder Brother hanged. The Hound grabs his axe. IT’S GO TIME.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Join us next time for “WWF: Game of Thrones” addition with the spectacular lineup of The Mountain Frankenstein vs. The Sparrows, Brienne vs. Jaime and Arya vs. The Waif.

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