WARNING: This post contains spoilers for Episode 2 of Season 6 of Game of Thrones.
Previously on Game of Thrones: Everything is still shit. Here, take this episode called “Home” to make you think everything will be soft and comforting and OK even though we know it won’t.
We start off with some creepy bird stuff. The Three-Eyed Raven and Bran are doing the weird eye thing and are watching Ned Stark as a lil babe fight in the yard of Winterfell. *cries*
Aunt Lyanna sashays her way in riding a horse.
HERE WE GO, PEOPLE, HERE WE GO. DAD NEVER TALKED ABOUT HER. THE THEORIES ARE COMING. THE THEORIES ARE COMING.
Anyways, in other news, Hodor’s real name is Willas and he talks and he’s a stable boy, so I smell A PLOT TWIST.
Bran wants to chit-chat some more, but the raven is like “stop being so greedy omg.”
Mira is sitting outside the cave. She’s pissed AF. Probably because her brother is dead and she’s bored because she can’t magic like everyone else. The children are talking to her, and they tell her she has to help Bran and stfu.
Now we go to the wall where Alliser Thorne is like “time’s up, gimme that body.” He’s got all his archers with him. Davos, on the other hand, is ready to GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Big angry wall man goes to knock down the door and that stupid kid that stabbed Jon is just like “YEAH, I’M 7, AND I KNOW EVEN LESS THAN JON SNOW DID, SO LET’S DO THIS. I SUCK.”
Update: Jon Snow is dead.
BUT WAIT. HARK! A NOISE FROM ABOVE! So a giant and all the wildlings storm in with Tormund (who is hot AF judge me haters) and Dolorous Edd, who did a good thing.
The Giant is not taking shit. He’s just not. All the brothers drop their weapons because they can’t do anything right anyways. Thorne and his bros get thrown into the cells. God(s) bless.
Now this random dude is telling some batty ass story about Queen Cersei in the streets and peeing on a wall and hey guess what the Mountain murders him but shoving his head into a wall. What a great transition!!!!!!!!!!
Cersei and the Mountain/Bane are blocked by the guard. Tommen wants her to remain in the Red Keep for protection, so she can’t go to Myrcella’s funeral. Savage.
Jaime and Tommen stand over Myrcella. Tommen is having a mental breakdown. Jaime and Tommen have an awko taco talk about Cersei being a bitch and stuff. Tommen feels bad for not helping her after the SHAME SHAME SHAME.
They’re rudely interrupted by the High Sparrow. The nerve of this fucking guy. Jaime is like, “I’ll handle Governor Swann okay just go see your stupid mom.” Jaime questions why he wasn’t forced to walk naked through the streets for being a kingslayer and whips out his knife because PISS ON YOUR GODS. Governor Swann is like “bruh, I’m going to Davey Jones’s locker anyways IDGAF.” Also all the Sparrows are armed, which is weird when you think about how churches work.
Governor Swann is like “I might be an old dude reborn after they killed me in Pirates of the Caribbean, but together we can overthrow your empire.” MIC DROP.
Tommen apologizes to his mom and is like “make me strong,” but Tommen forgets that the word strong to Cersei usually means “murderer” or “traitor” or “incestual sociopath with a penchant for sticking people’s heads on the castle gates.”
In Meereen, Tyrion is drinking because he’s got the right idea about free time. Grey Worm is trying to find the people who burnt the ships. Astapor and Yunkai have returned to the slavers. The dragons aren’t eating, which is so certainly surprising because much like big cats, they love captivity.
(Everything is shit. Did I mention that yet?)
Tyrion releases the dragons from their chains after a beautiful story about believing in your dreams. This could be a step in the right direction or everyone could burn to death. I’m into surprises.
The Giant is not taking shit. He’s just not.
The Waif returns to a still-blind and struggling Arya in the street and opens up a can of whoop ass on her before Jaqn H’ghar arrives to test her one more time. She passes and is allowed back into the house.
At Winterfell, Roose Bolton is mad that Sansa got away, but he’s about to be way more mad because his wife has a son and then Ramsey STABS HIM TO DEATH AND FEEDS HIS WIFE AND NEWBORN TO THE HOUNDS. These accidents just keep happening!!!
Brienne and Sansa plan to head for the Wall to find Jon, who is dead, and Theon plans to head home, which is going to be sooooooooo awkward because his uncle pushes his father off a bridge and now they have to have a Kingsmoot to choose the new rightful holder of the Seastone Chair. Snoozefest. Moots are for Ents.
Melisandre is sad panda looking at fire. Davos is like “THE FORECAST BOUT TO PREDICT SOME SNOW” and Melisandre is like “……………………..” because she thinks she’s a fraud, but Davos doesn’t care. He just wants bae back like the rest of us.
Melisandre cleans Jon Snow’s beautiful, stabbed, super dead body and cuts his hair and throws it into the fire and whispers to Satan and touches his chest because “light as a feather, stiff as a board” is a key part of the process.
How awkward would it be if her necklace fell off right now amirite?
Anyways, it doesn’t work and suddenly we’re all like “well this is awkward now we don’t know anything about anything.” Everyone leaves and is sad.
BUT THEN. A ZOOM IN ON SLEEPY GHOST. HE WAKES UP. IS IT JON? WHAT? NO? A CAMERA PAN UP TO JON’S DEAD BODY?
GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GASP AS IN I AM GASPING AND JON SNOW IS GASPING BECAUSE HE IS BREATHING AIR BECAUSE HE IS ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE
@HBO SCREW YOU LYING LIARS
HOW’S THAT FOR WHAT’S DEAD MAY NEVER DIE BITCHES
IT’S FUCKING LIT, YOU GUYS. IT’S FUCKING LIT.
Anyways, join me for next week to discuss nakey alive Jon Snow, Arya being not blind, Ramsey gets a surprise and Bran sees more dad stuff.
SOMETIMES GAME OF THRONES DOESN’T RUIN YOUR LIFE.