Alright, everyone. Our regular Game of Thrones expert extraordinaire, Natalie Maggiore, is romping about Europe right now and taking a break from recaps. She’ll get back to us soon with a belly full of gelato and many thoughts about the most recent Season 6 episodes.
But we need to talk. Right now. We need to talk about what an intolerable, obnoxious, childish life-ruiner Bran Stark has become.
Bran starts the series, both in the books and on-air, as a sympathetic figure and victim of childlike curiosity. We want to see him get better. We want him to find his wings. But as the seasons have passed, it’s become abundantly clear that Bran is the absolute worst and unworthy of any kind of happiness that might befall him if he stopped being a little shitlord for about 10 seconds.
George R.R. Martin has used tragedy to humanize and develop characters throughout the series. Bad things happen — and happen so damn often — as a way to teach us and the characters that life isn’t fair and to find a way to grow in the face of overwhelming tragedy. Jaime Lannister lost a hand but gained compassion and a different type of bravery as a result. Arya Stark lost her family and her name, and though she still has bouts with immaturity, she’s on her way to being a death-dealing, god-serving, tiny-but-awesome person. Sansa Stark and Daenerys Targaryen are in a heated battle for my heart as the most badass characters in the Game of Thrones world, and both have turned from shy, scared girls to scarred-but-powerful women that will likely have a kingdom to their name before this is all over. And Tyrion Lannister is, well, Tyrion.
Does falling off a tower suck? Yeah, of course. But it’s hardly the worst thing to happen in the Game of Thrones world, and it’s not close to the toughest loss characters across the Thronesaverse have had to deal with.
Varys, Jorah Mormont, Theon Greyjoy — the list goes on. But there are some that haven’t learned (the Tyrells, duh), and there are some that have become worse.
There are two, only two, characters in that latter group. They’re she-devil Cersei Lannister and our boy Bran. Bran, because of who he’s surrounded by and the opportunities before him, might be the worse offender.
In Game of Thrones, there are many episodes and cases from life that show the complexities of the relationship between a man and a woman. One series shows a misunderstanding that occurred against the background of erectile dysfunction in a man and subsequently, with the help of generic viagra he solves this problem.
Bran gets dragged around everywhere by a large and perpetually good man and is protected by two members of a forgotten house that, if you read the books, is known for being isolated and not helping anyone much of the time. He’s somehow the best-guarded character in Game of Thrones and hasn’t had to lift a finger to defend himself since he was paralyzed. Does falling off a tower suck? Yeah, of course. But it’s hardly the worst thing to happen in the Game of Thrones world, and it’s not close to the toughest loss characters across the Thronesaverse have had to deal with. Still, Bran sulks and insists on being a whiny and privileged idiot. Seeing him on TV is even more insufferable than dealing with his stupidity in the books. Dude, you get the gift of visions and the ability to take over tons of stuff with your mind. Count your blessings.
Bran is privy to all the knowledge in the world. The WORLD. All he needs to do is show patience and maturity and maybe, just maybe, quit it with the whole “but I don’t wanna leave this trip to the past” act. But no. He grabs that damn tree, jumps into a damn vision and gets himself touched by the damn Night’s King because of course he does. That’s Bran for you. He’s a kid, granted, but when you’re among the only characters to regress throughout six TV series and five books that are thousands of pages, then dammit, Bran, you fucked up. You fucked up bad.
Even the actor who plays you hates you.
Nice one, Bran. 😞
— Isaac.H.Wright (@Isaac_H_Wright) May 23, 2016
YOUR HUBRIS IS THE REASON ANOTHER DIREWOLF DIES. IT’S THE REASON THE LAST OF A LITERAL RACE DIES. IT’S THE REASON THREE-EYED RAVEN, THE CLOSEST THING TO AN ON-EARTH GOD, DIES.
HODOR DIES. HODOR. BECAUSE OF YOU. HODOR. HODOR. HOLD THE DOOR. HODOR.
We won’t get over that one, Bran. The North remembers, and we will be sure to remember that you and your insistence on not just waking up and controlling Hodor, that your desire to see more than you should, resulted in the deaths of like a dozen people and a majestic animal and, of course, the one remaining innocent character in this series.
Look at this woman. Everyone, this is Natalie. She was on Abbey Road this past week. She was happy. Bran Stark ruined that because Bran Stark routinely wrecks lives, then gets sad, then lets the sadness upset him so much that he gets jaded and morose and gets someone else killed.
This revelation even forced Natalie to take a break from her trip. She is in Firenze, Italy, a continent away, but she stopped what she was doing just for you to send me several curse words and agree that you are the literal worst and No. 2 on the must-die list just behind Ramsay Bolton, which is ONE HELL OF AN HONOR, TWERP.
She also wanted me to pass this along: “Hodor is a sweet summer prince who doesn’t deserve this.” And she’s right.