Nothing says happy Sunday like death, despair and a hint of incest!
Despite my overwhelming disgust at how many times I’ve had to go on the Internet and see pictures of Jon Snow dead, dying, super dead, we swear he’s dead and gone, dead, I’m FREAKIN PUMPED for Game of Thrones to be back.
Pumped is a word I use loosely for the fact that I am also mildly panicked that the plot will, as it often has in the past, attempt to make all my limbs want to detach themselves from my body out of pure anger. Without a book preview, how will I know to keep the duct tape handy?
The first episode of the season, entitled “The Red Woman,” already had me panting when I recorded it on my DVR (I’m super busy and popular OK) because Melisandre freaks me the hell out. She burns children. She’s a lif- ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.
Unless that life belongs to one cold, brutally stabbed Jon Snow, which she can’t ruin because he’s so dead.
The show started with a recap of the previous season, AKA a reminder of how George R.R. Martin is a legitimate sociopath. In case you were wondering where we left off, literally everyone is fucked. That’s it. That’s the recap.
SHAME. SHAME. SHAME.
Anyways. Cue the theme song.
We open to mournful howls at the Wall. It’s probably Ghost, the only pure character on this show. Jon Snow is real dead (SO DEAD) on the ground because everybody sucks. Davos and the good guys find Jon. Jon is placed on a table as his brothers mourn him/decide wtf to do now/are you sure he’s really dead?
The men decide they can only trust each other, which I mean, obviously. Then Melisandre makes her way in, and everyone is like “who invited you, daughter killer?” She saw Jon fighting in the flames at Winterfell, which seems pretty wrong so it looks like somebody is a lying hag.
Thorne holds a council among the brothers and admits he’s a murderer because honesty is the best policy here at the Wall. The brothers are not pleased. Thorne gives a bogus speech about the Wildlings because he’s petty.
Heading on over to the North, we have Ramsey, who is crying over his side chick, Miranda. Plot twist, he feeds her to the hounds. Shocking. Ramsay goes on to talk to his dad, good ol’ two-faced Roose. Dad wants to fight the Lannisters, but they need Sansa to make babies and bribe people because #MedievalPatriarchy.
Sansa, however, is on the run with Theon Greyjoy, who I both hate and pity, and that’s an annoying thing to feel. Theon and Sansa are fording rivers in the middle of the snow, so optimism isn’t exactly at a high. Theon wants to lure their pursuers away and tells Sansa to head for the wall, which unbeknownst to him is the worst plan ever. Neither stupid plan works and they’re on the verge of being captured when Brienne, the baddest bitch alive, decapitates everyone. She must have heard the new Beyonce album. Brienne pledges herself to Sansa, which is pretty good deal for the both of them.
We now head to the Red Keep, where Cersei heads to find Myrcella and Jaime. This is not the happy reunion she’s hoping it will be because, as you may recall, Myrcella received the kiss of death in Dorne. Cersei and Jaime discuss her death, the pureness of Mycella and the prophecy Cersei received during childhood. Jaime vows for vengeance.
Down in the cells of the Sparrows, the Septa reads the bible to Margaery, but she doesn’t give a shit. The High Sparrow comes to visit and asks a confession, but it’s not happening. She just wants to see her brother.
We now move to Dorne, where Doran walks with Ellaria. He receives notice of Myrcella’s death and is immediately stabbed by Ellaria (!!!!!!!!!) along with his guards. The Sandsnakes go to kill his son, Tristane. They succeed very quickly. Shit hitteth the fan.
Tyrion and Varys remain in Meereen, where they look to fix the damages that both Dany and the Sons of the Harpy have caused in their fight for rulership. They walk the city, planning their moves to renew the place back to safety and peace without reinstating the traditions that Dany removed. Varys has little birds everywhere because he is XOXO, Gossip Girl. Things get awkward though because all the ships in the port have been set on fire. Whoops.
Brienne, the baddest bitch alive, decapitates everyone. She must have heard the new Beyonce album. Brienne pledges herself to Sansa, which is pretty good deal for the both of them.
Future lizard-human Ser Jorah and Daario Naharis continue to search for Dany. They make underhanded comments about they both want to bang her or whatever, but lizard people can’t touch other people without giving them lizard germs so it’s not looking great for Jorah. Also Daario already got to at least third base. They come upon hints of a Dothraki hoard in their path, which is also not looking great because they definitely captured her and that really spoils their plans.
The Dothraki group is the worst. The men in charge of walking Dany through the valley are sexually harassing her like they’re on break at a local construction site. She’s taking to the Khal, and HAHA SURPRISE, she speaks yo language dude. She tells them who she is which takes up the rest of the show because can she have any more damn titles (who bestowed these/did she make them up in her free time while she was being fanned by her lady servants and eating salted pork), and they laugh at her. They are not amused, and then she drops Drogo’s name and suddenly everybody changes their tunes. She’s cut free of her binding except they want her to live with widows, and that doesn’t sound nearly as fun as ruling the world and dragons.
In Braavos, Arya blindly begs for change. The Waif challenges her to a stick fight that she loses terribly. The Waif is an asshole.
Once again, we return to the Wall. The castle is heavily armed, and Thorne goes to see the men who remain with Snow. Davos would rather die, tbh. Thorne gives them until nightfall to surrender, but they choose to fight to the best of their abilities with the help of the Red Woman. The Red Woman is naked because that’s her thing and you shouldn’t judge her.
EXCEPT FOR WHEN SHE REMOVES HER NECKLACE AND AGES AT LEAST 100 YEARS. WHAT IN THE SEVEN HELLS IS THIS.
ROLL CREDITS NOW BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE WE HAVE TO END HERE.
Next on GoT: Bran doing eye stuff. Cersei being angry. Brienne not knowing where Arya is. Ramsay being a dick. Jaime fighting in the High Sparrow. Thorne being (unsurprisingly) a dick.
Grab your mead and furs folks. It’s going to be a long season.