We must return to the golden age of the GameCube

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If you read my previous blog about my ongoing game-cation, you can probably assume that I am not hip nor in the know with the gaming world.

I like simple things. I play Just Dance because I know One Direction probably has a song on each edition. I play The Sims because I understand the concepts of eating, peeing and lighting the stove on fire in a feeble attempt to stay alive.

I am not confident in my gaming skills in a general sense, but I am confident in one thing.

I would throw down for my GameCube.

I love my poor, old, slightly dysfunctional GameCube. That beautiful purple box has been with me for some of my best days. I like it more than I like some people.

But alas, the GameCube has been cast aside. It’s no Xbox One or Playstation whatever number they’re on. It’s just “so Nintendo” or whatever those kids who only play Halo say. Say what you will about image quality and blah blah blah, but GameCube is the best, and I will stand by that forever.

So when my friend at work the other day mentioned that Pokemon was being re-released, I got to thinking. Where’s the love for the GameCube games? These gems have been overlooked for years as the Wii and other systems surpassed it with all that virtual reality video bullshit.

So here is my proposal to the people at Nintendo who do not care what I think at all because they are making more money on a game that was re-released EXACTLY AS IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO then I will make in my lifetime but whatever I guess.

Anyways.

I suggest that these following games receive sequels, or re-releases at the very least. I don’t care what system they’re for because I know ta return to the ‘Cube is a fight I will never win, but just think about it maybe.

First things first, Super Mario Sunshine.

If you don’t think this game rocks, punch yourself. A modernized version of Super Mario 64, but better because Yoshi and bloopers and a cute lil water squirter FLUDD that is your best friend/partner-in-crime/weapon/jet pack. Those Delfino citizens flop all over the place and dance and love you and even though they want to arrest you sometimes, it’s fine because there is also a ferris wheel. Shadow Mario does dope graffiti art. There is tropical fruit everywhere. Health promotion!!! Think of the children!!!

Super Mario Sunshine: Return to Isle Delfino. Super Mario Sunshine 2: Return of Shadow Mario. Super Mario Sunshine 2: Halo 4 isn’t even that fun.

I honestly don’t even care what the game consists of. Just give it to me.

Second, Mario Dance Dance Revolution.

I feel like we might be out of that phase of dancing in public while you wait for your game of laser tag to start even though you’re 12 years old than all the other kids playing, but the fact that this game was made for only GameCube and not more compatible systems like the Wii is just silly. Give us more songs. Let Waluigi finally achieve his dream of being a backup dancer. It’s so obvious.

Third, Wario World.

What could you possibly love more than forcing that little nugget to climb up and down circus themed decor sucking in treasure like a waddling vaccuum. God, I love treasure. Wario and I have that dragon characteristic in common. And to get the treasure you get to swing little dinosaur creatures around like some you’re The Rock and then you get to piledrive them for money! Wario helped me understand my lowkey WWE goals from an early age.

Imagine pile driving, but in so many other places and climates and eras. And imagine that boss dinosaur in the red thong with the beautiful golden locks and the weird button. Imagine she’s back for revenge. I really identify with her.

Fourth, Disney’s Extreme Skate Adventure.

It’s always been a dream of mine to both skateboard on a McDonalds and to also skateboard off of Pride Rock while listening to a Smash Mouth song that isn’t “All Star.” But if we’re being honest, I’m more of an Emperor’s New Groove person, so maybe I could skateboard through out Kuzcotopia while listening to a Smash Mouth song that isn’t “All Star.”

(It’s called “Pacific Coast Party” and it is a banger.)

Or maybe I could skateboard through literally every single Disney movie ever made except for Snow White because that movie is bogus and terrifying. So much material to work with, Nintendo!!!! I’m practically doing your work for you.

Fifth, Starring Mickey Mouse.

Yeah, I said it. It’s like Luigi’s mansion, but people actually like Mickey Mouse. It’s adorable OKAY. I have a brother and definitely only played with him OKAY. It’s fun, OKAY.

Sixth, Donkey Konga.

The Donkey Konga I had was great fun, but playing the drums to the song “Losing My Religion” was a little bit of a downer. Spice up the track list. Gimme One Direction. Gimme more diverse kongas. Gimme bananas.

Seventh, Lego Lord of the Rings

Now listen, I know you can play LEGO Lord of the Rings on newer systems, and that is just fine and dandy. But you will never know the true beauty of Smeagol if he is made of bricks and you will never see the beautiful intricacies in Legolas’ braids and how will you see the wondrous definition in Gimli’s calves.

Most of those things aren’t on GameCube either, but sometimes it’s nice to have not LEGOs. Everything isn’t always awesome and sometimes a giant fire eye wants to suck out your soul and you need real people to fix it instead of small squares that are just hobbling throughout the shire.

I will then sign this proposal with a long list of adjectives to show Nintendo how desperate I am. I think it will work.

If not, I’m excited to announce that I used the Internet today and discovered that Luigi’s Mansion is making it’s way to the 3DS on March 24th. I may or may not have peed a little.

I hope the Easter Bunny is into gaming.

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