Yesterday, I got off work, already daunted by my hour-long commute home and the hunger that I knew would ensue along the way only to be greeted with a new Game of Thrones trailer. I just can’t catch a break.
Now, I know I should be excited because April is so close yet so far away, and I just don’t know how much more time I can stand not knowing the fate of my dear, sweet Jon.
But, hi, hello HBO, sorry, I don’t know what you guys do around the office or whatever – do you even have an office or just a dungeon where you think of ways to ruin peoples’ lives with George R.R. Martin – but couldn’t you have released this shit on a Friday. I need at least three days to mull this kind of stuff over. I need my sanity and at least a slight hint of optimism to function on a daily basis.
As you may have read in my article from two weeks ago, I’m still processing my decision to unfollow ole George on Twitter. I get angrier with every mention of his name, and now I have to sit and watch the previews for the storylines he hasn’t written yet and they’re all so scary and I am worried. Let’s talk about it.
Welcome to Game of Thrones Group Therapy. Repeat everyone’s name to them. Make them feel comfortable and welcome. There will be festive mead and salted pork or whatever they eat in Westeros, where dreams go to die.
First question. How do you feel about going into this season really not knowing what’s going to happen (like, idk, all other TV shows) because George R.R. Martin sucks at his job and won’t finish his books, but will help write scripts for his TV show?
Well, low-key, I feel VERY BAD. VERY, VERY BAD AND CONCERNED.
Here is what I feel bad about:
So Jon Snow *spoiler alert* is dead. Thanks for reminding us, HBO. Great opener. “He’s gone.” Rub it in. That’s fine. WE’RE FINE.
BUT WAIT. Jon Snow is also on a table and Ser Alliser Thorne (screw that guy) is trying to knock down a door and Melisandre (screw her too) is taking her clothes off to maybe birth another spirit child and Ser Davos is brandishing a sword and someone has their hands on Jon Snow’s eyes and then maybe, JUST MAYBE, he is in the background of a battle scene.
Listen, if were being honest, I’m only on the fourth book and I just binge-watched the TV show, so I might be missing some key elements, but we can all agree that Jon Snow is the only one that matters. If Jon Snow is alive, this confirms, but also confuses a lot of things for me. Why are we not bringing every dead person back to life? Catelyn might be somewhere chillin’, but she also sucks too, so why her, and why not Ned? Can’t we sew his head back on? Is the wound really the decision factor in all this black magic hooplah? Beric Dondarrion has been saved every time he hiccups, but we can’t save the only character with a moral compass?
(In other news, Melisandre might think she’s a quack, so here’s a reminder that she burned a child and karma SUCKS. Bye Felicia.)
Dany seems to be headed to what is probably Vaes Dothrak. I can’t imagine this will end particularly well for either party as she is captured, but also dragons. If we’re being frank, the biggest losses here are that soon her beloved Mormont will turn into a lizard-human and we probably get less time of Tyrion counseling her.
Tyrion’s whereabouts are also TBD, though his voiceover is a slight comfort. *Prays incessantly, but I’m not sure for what.*
Back at the Red Keep, otherwise known as the seven rings of hell, Jaime and Cersei mourn the loss of their daughter that it could honestly only take an idiot not to figure out was going to happen. Poisonous lips. Haven’t you seen Batman & Robin? Amateurs.
Anyways, Cersei and Jaime are slated to continue going psycho on everyone, mostly the people of Dorne and also the Sparrows. The Sparrows are a concern and they burn stars onto their foreheads because that’s what you do when you’re in a cult and you don’t eat or do other normal things, I guess. They still have my girl Margaery, but things might be looking up for her.
We’ll get a good look at the battle for the Greyjoy throne this season, which I guess is fine, but who really cares? I’m worried about this only because it takes time away from people that actually matter.
But wait! There are genuinely things I am excited about!
Arya, though, slapped silly in the preview and also slightly maybe a little bit (a whole lot) blind, is roof jumping and exploring and learning more in her training to become no one. She’s going to put on some crazy ass faces of her dead relatives and haunt everyone. If you haven’t planned for that George, you still have time for rewrites.
Bran is WALKING. Praise be to God or the Mother or a tree or whoever. He’s not really walking, but he’s having visions, and he’s strolling and living his best life. You do you, boo. Granted the things he sees are less than great, but let’s appreciate the little things like how good the Night’s King (the scary ice man) is at smizing.
Important thing: Tormund, the dope wildling that helps Jon Snow, is fighting probably against the Boltons because THEY ARE THE WOOOOOOOORST. Tormund is awesome. Community. Friendship. Loyalty. Etc.
Another important thing: Targaryen armor. This can only mean one thing! FLASHBACK CITY. Refresh on those conspiracy theories because it’s about to get real or maybe not real and everything you know will become a lie, which is likely.
Not entirely sure where Sansa is as she’s running, but then she’s in fur with a very stylish braid, but let’s pray homegirl has made it somewhere that is not in the arms of Ramsey Bolton for obvious reasons. Optimism, though hard to come by in these instances of death weddings and evil children, is key.
This has been an overwhelming process.
I’m looking forward to and dreading the surprises at every turn. In the trailer the High Sparrow says, “Every one of us is poor and powerless, and yet we can overthrow an empire,” which makes me think we should be looking at the individual characters like Arya and Tyrion who are using wit to survive, and also that HBO is dropping subtle hints on how to survive the 2016 election season.
My only hopes for this season are that Jon Snow comes back in some form, that the Stark children finally realize that their wolves are important because why is that taking so long and Arya where is your dog, and that the dragons come together and decimate the entirety of the population or at least just Petyr Baelish because that would solve literally all the problems. Also where is Rickon? Does anyone know? Should I Google it?
Either way, here’s to six more weeks of winter and by winter I mean waiting for this stupid show to start because who releases a trailer that early to a group of people who can barely wait a couple minutes to post spoilers on Twitter.